Dreaming in Metaphors
by evilsockofghana
Summary: Kakashi is forced to reexamine his life and his fears when he is haunted by a revealing dream.
1. The Dream

Author's Note: This is not my usual fare. It's a very serious attempt at a very serious fic. If you want parodies and jokes, go look up one of my other fics. This is rated M for a reason, by the way.

This has spoilers for the chapters dealing with the Konoha Five (like my clever warning about spoilers without using spoilers?) and chapters beyond. And if this sucks, by the way, please tell me so and then tell me why. I wish to improve.

I don't own Naruto.

Some of the ninja of the village had been in Kakashi's nightmares, but he had rarely dreamed of any of them, so he was surprised to find himself in a dreamscape with someone that was obviously Umino Iruka.

Or something, rather. Kakashi was perched on what may have been a boat or a rock, his feet dangling in the water, watching a dolphin with a scarred nose cavort among the ocean waves.

"Cute." He muttered. The dolphin chattered in a way that sounded suspiciously like a laugh. Then it began to sing.

_Kakashi, Kakashi_

_Kao ga penki to_

_Shinzo ga wara da_

_Kakashi, Kakashi_

_Kokoro ga aru ka?_

Kakashi flinched. His mother used to sing that song, when he was very young. He later realized that she hadn't wanted him to be named what he was. She had always seemed sad when she sang it. Iruka's laugh seemed horrible, bringing a disturbing twinge to Kakashi's heart.

Scarecrow, Scarecrow

Face of paint and

Heart of straw

Scarecrow, Scarecrow

Have you any heart at all?

"I suppose you're a symbol of inner conflict." He told Iruka, who had swam up and rested his forearms on the rock/boat. Kakashi hadn't noticed the transformation from beast to man.

"Why, because we argue?" Iruka looked at Kakashi, his brown eyes shifting shades in a way that made Kakashi uncomfortable. He looked out over the sunlit waves.

"Sure." He turned toward Iruka again with a sharp suddenness. "Do you know the meaning of life?"

"Forty-two."

Kakashi's brow furrowed. "What?"

"Nothing." Iruka climbed up to sit beside Kakashi, then drew his leg up to his chest, wrapping his arms around it. He rested his chin on his knee, staring at the stars above the ocean that had become a deep sunset orange. "I may be your subconscious, but I doubt I'm a symbol of inner conflict. That's too straightforward. Any dream analysis that makes that much sense can't possibly be right. So say the experts. But you should remember that Iruka is a teacher, and is thus the perfect choice for this. I'm actually just your subconscious."

Kakashi shifted uneasily. "If you're my subconscious, how do you know things I don't?"

"I don't. I just know everything you've forgotten—or chosen not to remember."

Kakashi turned away, embarrassed. "Judge me not."

"Forget me not." Countered Iruka.

"Who am I supposed to remember?" asked Kakashi, turning back. His eyes went wide when he found himself face to face with Obito, who became Rin, who became the Fourth, who became Naruto.

"You know whose son he is." said Naruto. His features changed to those of Iruka once more.

"It's a large burden you bear. You've never passed a team before this one. You've never had to worry about it." His eyes bored into Kakashi, who shifted.

"Haven't had to worry about what?"

"About how you would feel if one of them died."

Kakashi flinched. He wanted to hide from Iruka's gaze, but found he couldn't turn his head and look away as he had before.

"It's something Iruka has to think about. His first students have grown up. There will be deaths. He's seen death before, but I doubt it will prepare him for the guilt and the blame. And now it's something you'll have to think about. What you could have done differently, how you might have taught them better."

Kakashi heard what he didn't say. _How it'll be all your fault._

"That's ridiculous. I do the best I can. They have to do the rest."

Iruka's eyes refused to stay still. They kept changing, shifting, morphing. "Tell yourself that when you're left alone someday. See how hollow it will ring."

Kakashi said nothing. He knew Iruka was right.

Iruka tapped the scar across his nose. "Do you know where this came from?"

"No. And neither do you."

Iruka shrugged. "Maybe not. You've never heard the story." He tapped the scar again, and it melted away. "You don't know how I got that scar, but…how about this one?"

He tugged at his shirt, and it melted to nothing in his hands, revealing a mass of scar tissue above his heart. Kakashi stared at it, and when he raised his eyes to Iruka's face he was looking at himself. He flinched.

"Where did it come from, Kakashi?" whispered his other self, leaning close. "You know where! Why are so you afraid?"

"Afraid of what?" he dared to ask. "I'm the copy ninja, one of the strongest in the village. What have I to be afraid of?"

His other self—his inner self—became Iruka again. Kakashi mistrusted it. He figured the change would be temporary.

He was right. When Iruka climbed into his lap, he felt breasts press against his bare chest. Iruka's hair suddenly tumbled over his shoulders and toward his waist, and was the only thing he—she—wore. Kakashi swallowed with some difficulty.

"Is this turning into one of those dreams?" he asked, hearing a note of pathetic eagerness in his voice and hating himself for it. Iruka laughed.

"How long has it been since you had one of those dreams?" she asked. She giggled, and moved her head down so she was breathing on his neck. Kakashi's voice came out as a squeak, then steadied.

"F-fifteen. I was fifteen."

"Mmm." She blew a breath over his collarbones, then looked up at him. He noticed that the scar was still gone. "How old were you the last time you had sex?"

"Twenty-one." He could feel his face burning.

"Mmm-hmm. And how old were you the first time you had sex?'

Now his face was on fire. "Twenty-one."

"Really. When was the last time you saw a naked woman?" When Kakashi didn't answer, she answered for him. "A long time. Long enough to wonder why. Long enough to wonder if you even want it. You wonder sometimes if what you really want is…" She didn't finish, and Kakashi was glad.

"Is that what I want?" he whispered. Her forearms were resting on his shoulders, and he grabbed them in a sudden, convulsive grasp. He stared into her eyes.

"If that was what you wanted, I would have appeared like this." She was suddenly indisputably a he. His hair was caught up in the short ponytail, and the scar was back.

Kakashi released his arms as if they were burning him. It almost felt like they were. Iruka grinned at him.

"I'd like to be able to look him in the eye after this." said Kakashi with some difficulty.

In a moment, the woman was back. "I didn't appear to you like that, so you don't have to worry about it."

"I'm not?"

"You're not. What you are, however, is a coward. You've had sex three times in your life, with three different women, and you weren't in a relationship with any of them. And it didn't do anything for you. You decided you wouldn't have sex again outside of a relationship. And you haven't had sex since. You're a coward."

She sat beside him again, and once again her features returned to Iruka's visage. He looked out at the waves, and suddenly an arm was around him. Iruka's cheek was pressed to his, his arm pointing out over the ocean.

Kakashi let his gaze fly to the point Iruka was indicating. It was a bright star, glowing in the orange sky. To his surprise, he saw the face of a woman there. He didn't recognize her at first, then, with a chill—

"She loved you. You might have been happy with her. Why did you push her away?"

Kakashi gazed at her face, feeling an odd nostalgia.

"You _might_ have been happy. That's why. You were too afraid of her dying on a mission, of her leaving you for someone else, of anything happening that might have hurt. You're a coward." Iruka repeated.

His skin against Kakashi's was suddenly slimy and repulsive. Kakashi couldn't stand it any longer. He shoved at Iruka, who reacted to a force heavier than Kakashi had meant to use. He fell against the deck/rock with a sickening, wet noise, turning into liquid that drained into the ocean. Kakashi could see the dolphin form below the waves, could see the silhouette become that of a man.

Iruka called to him from the water.

"What are you afraid of, Kakashi? _Talk_ to them! Iruka looks up to you; ask him to spar. You'd teach him a few new things about a kunai and he just might teach you a few new things about your heart. Anko knows what Sasuke is going through; ask her to go out for coffee and just _talk_ to her. You can help mend her memories; mending her will help to mend you. Talk to Sakura; she trusts you. She would be reassured by seeing you. It would cheer her up. Talk to Naruto. Heaven knows the boy could use someone besides Iruka to give a damn about what he's going through with Sasuke gone. Talk to Gai! A little enthusiasm would be good for you.

"You don't have to be afraid of relationships. You don't have to be afraid of loving someone." His voice was suddenly gentle as he swam closer and placed his hands on Kakashi's knees.

"You want me to bring a little meaning to your life? Here's some: your life has no meaning because the only people who are important to you are three children, and even they don't really know you."

The drop of salt water that fell on Iruka's upturned face wasn't from the ocean. His voice remained gentle.

"Talk to them. You don't have to be afraid."

-…-

Kakashi woke with a start. His hand flew up to his maskless face and came away damp. He let his arm drop with a weak sigh.

_Talk to them._


	2. The Awakening

"The medic-nins had said you'd gone into a lighter sleep. I'm glad to see you've woken up."

Kakashi looked toward the door. Iruka was standing there. Kakashi was startled for a moment before he remembered that he was no longer in the dream.

He quickly wiped the tears away from his face as Iruka turned toward the window and pretended not to notice.

_Lighter sleep?_ Mouthed Kakashi silently while Iruka was turned away.

Iruka spoke to cover the awkward moment.

"Naruto asked me to come see how you were. Hokage-sama sent him on a mission after she got tired of him coming in here every fifteen minutes. Of course, he just got me to do it for him, so it's not like there's much difference…"

"Where's my mask?" interrupted Kakashi.

Iruka's voice was a little colder when he spoke. "On the table next to you."

Kakashi rolled over and grabbed his shirt with the mask attached to it. He tried to pull it on, but the simple acting of putting his arms over his head left him suddenly exhausted.

Iruka walked over to Kakashi's bedside with quick steps. He took hold of the shirt, raising an eyebrow. Kakashi sighed and slipped his arms into it, allowing Iruka to pull it over his head.

He adjusted the set of it over his nose then lay back down again, worn out. Iruka walked balk over to the window.

"How long have I been in the hospital?" Kakashi asked, shutting his eyes.

"You've been in a coma for a little over three weeks. You shouldn't try to do anything yet," he added quickly, seeing that Kakashi was struggling to sit up again. He started toward the bed again, but Kakashi had given up and lain down again before he'd taken two steps.

Kakashi lay there panting, horrified at his own weakness. He lifted his hands before his face and stared at them.

"Three weeks." Repeated Iruka quietly. "The medic-nins healed your wounds, but it's going to be a long time before you're back to normal.

Kakashi put one hand over his eyes and let the other drop back to his side.

"How did the mission go?" He moved his hand away and turned his head to look at Iruka. "Naruto's all right, then?"

Iruka stepped closer and sat in the chair next to Kakashi's bed.

"Yes, he's fine. He had some deep cuts, but they healed quickly." He gave Kakashi a look. "Do you remember what happened?"

Kakashi struggled with his memories.

"I remember one of the missing nins coming at me…" he said, slowly. Iruka nodded.

"You weren't able to fully dodge his jutsu. Naruto wasn't able to see clearly, but he doesn't think it was the jutsu that did the real damage and the medic-nins agree."

Kakashi blinked. "Then what did the damage?"

Iruka looked at the floor. "The force of the jutsu, combined that the fact that were already moving to dodge…" he stopped, obviously searching for the right words.

"You hit your head against a tree." He finally blurted. His face turned red as Kakashi stared at him.

"I've been in a coma for three weeks because I _hit my head against a tree_?"

Iruka nodded. He looked embarrassed. Kakashi rolled over with a soft groan. He heard Iruka get up to leave.

Kakashi looked over his shoulder.

_Talk to them._

"Oh, Iruka-san," he said hesitantly.

Iruka paused in the doorway.

"You know, it _will_ be a while before I'm back up to speed…"

Iruka turned around.

"It would help if I had someone to spar with." Kakashi finished. Iruka blinked rapidly, bringing up a hand to point at his own chest. Kakashi raised an eyebrow and nodded.

"You—oh! Uh, certainly, Hatake-san!" he bowed, flustered, then quickly departed before Kakashi could say anything else insane.


	3. Distrust

Iruka waited until Naruto had finished the noodles in his ramen and was draining the broth before he spoke.

"I went to see Kakashi-sensei today—AH!"

He hadn't waited long enough. Naruto had slammed his bowl down, spattering Iruka with broth.

"Sorry!" he said quickly, searching around for a napkin. Iruka waved him off, brushing the drops off of his face with the back of his hand. He was suddenly, absurdly reminded of Kakashi wiping away his tears when he'd seen him the hospital.

"He asked about you. And how the how the mission went."

Naruto flicked at a drop of broth with one of his chopsticks, the other remaining trapped beneath his left hand. He grinned to himself, remembering how ignobly Kakashi had been brought low.

"He didn't remember anything about how it ended." Iruka remarked as he motioned for two more bowls. Naruto sat up straight and looked eager.

"I'm not surprised. I think people usually don't. Mmm!" He licked his lips as a fresh bowl was set down in front of him. He began slurping noodles and spoke with his mouth full.

"I would have paid money to see his face…" he swallowed, and his words were clearer, though he remained bent over his bowl. "…when he found out how he was hurt. What did he say?" he asked, turning to look at Iruka.

"Actually, he just sort of groaned and rolled over." Iruka started on his own ramen as Naruto laughed. They ate in silence for a few moments. When they both had drained their bowls, Iruka hesitantly spoke.

"He…uh," he rubbed his scar in discomfort, a nervous habit Naruto had noticed before. "He asked me to spar with him." He finished in a mumble.

Naruto was surprised for a moment, then shrugged as he pulled out his wallet. Iruka waved him off as he plunked his own money down on the counter. Naruto talked as they left the stand and started down the street.

"I guess it doesn't surprise me. You should get back to the basic training after something like that, and no one knows the basics like you, Iruka-sensei!"

Iruka quirked an eyebrow at him. "Really?"

"Uh, not like you're not good at other stuff too—I mean, you are—" He waved his hands wildly, and Iruka laughed. After a moment Naruto laughed too.

"Heh, sound just like a kid again, don't I? Well, I gotta go, Sai was being an ass about practice so I guess he's actually gonna train with us. I know he's trying, but…"

He shook his head, unaware of how adult he suddenly looked. Iruka smiled.

"Anyway, I'll see you!"

He waved goodbye and sped off down the street. Iruka waved back, then turned toward his own apartment, the smile slipping off his face.

He ignored the people he saw on the way and disabled the traps on the door with his usual care. He reset them after he slipped inside. After making a thorough check for intruders, one that he was thoroughly tired of, he stripped off his vest, and after a moment's thought, his _hitai-ate_ and shirt as well. He flopped on his small couch and looked over at a drawer in his side table with a frown.

He got up again with a small sigh and walked over to the table. He opened it and lifted up the false bottom, scattering the old papers on top.

A small brown book lay inside. Iruka started to reach for it, then hesitated.

_No one knows the basics like you, Iruka-sensei!_

Kakashi was going to spar with him to ensure his basic moves were still in shape and up to speed. He didn't trust Iruka, and therefore, Iruka couldn't trust him with this.

Iruka replaced the false bottom and flopped back on the couch, throwing his arm over his eyes.

He lifted it to eye the drawer.

"Maybe."


End file.
